By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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