Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
