My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
