okay pat passed out under dana's car
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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