I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
