the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
