Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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