Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Randomize
