Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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