She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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