i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
