i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
