Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
