I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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