sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
