Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I could make wine with my vomit
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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