i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
