Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
