Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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