What did we do last night that was yellow?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
