Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
