Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
