I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Sober January is a disaster.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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