so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
