I got chris browned last night
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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