What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
