Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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