I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
