I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
