i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
