i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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