did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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