I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
