there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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