finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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