if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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