I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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