Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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