my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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