If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
