Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We had to coat check the pizza.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
