Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
