are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
