The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
