I cockslap morals
i think my mom watched the whole time
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
