I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
