Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
