smell my finger.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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