Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
