Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the day after is always just damage control
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
